The Unspoken Reality of Being an African Daughter

Growing Up as an African Daughter: Can We Talk About It?

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while because I feel like there’s so much that we African daughters grow up experiencing, especially those of us who are the eldest daughters and sometimes I wonder whether these experiences are universal or whether it’s just something we experience in certain African households. One thing I’ve noticed is how much emphasis is placed on preparing girls to become good wives rather than preparing them to become independent women.

For example, the whole “If you don’t learn how to cook, how will you cook for your husband?” conversation. First of all, why is cooking automatically treated as a woman’s responsibility? A man should know how to cook too. Cooking is a basic life skill that everyone should know regardless of their gender. Why are we raising boys who are not expected to know how to take care of themselves but raising girls to be responsible for taking care of everyone else? And then there’s the expectation that once you get married, your career, dreams and personal ambitions as a female should somehow take a back seat because you’re now a wife and mother. You’re expected to prioritize your husband, children and home above everything else.

But what happens when the husband gets an opportunity to work abroad? He will pack his bags and pursue that opportunity without much question, while you’re expected to stay behind because someone has to take care of the home and children. Why is it that a woman’s responsibilities are expected to limit her opportunities, but a man’s responsibilities rarely seem to do the same?

Another thing I want to talk about is how some African mothers raise their daughters with so much fear and strictness, only to expect those same daughters to grow up and become comfortable sharing every little detail of their lives with them. How are you supposed to have that kind of relationship with your mother when growing up, she was someone you were constantly afraid of? When you couldn’t comfortably talk about your problems because you knew you’d either be scolded, judged or have your feelings dismissed? You cannot spend someone’s childhood making them feel like they cannot approach you with anything and then suddenly expect them to become adults who tell you everything. Emotional closeness has to be built. It cannot simply be demanded.

We also need to talk about the pressure placed on eldest daughters. Being expected to help raise your siblings, take on household responsibilities, be mature, be understanding and make sacrifices simply because you’re the oldest girl. Sometimes it feels like you’re expected to be a daughter, a second mother, and an additional parent all at once.

I know not every African household is the same and I’m certainly not saying all African parents are like this. But I do think these conversations are important because some of the things we’ve normalized while growing up deserve to be questioned.

So, to my fellow girl bloggers, I want to hear from you in the comments my loves.

Did you grow up experiencing these things too? Were you allowed to express yourselves freely at home, or did you grow up being afraid of your parents? And for those of you who are the eldest daughters, did you also feel like you had responsibilities that your younger siblings never had to worry about?I’d genuinely love to hear your experiences, opinions and thoughts about this.

With love, 

Roshan